A little something

Most months in the weeks leading up to referrals there are definite milestones that we can use to tell that we are getting closer to referrals. First the crazy rumors come out, then the really bad rumors. Some months there aren't many rumors at all. This month there haven't been any really crazy rumors, they all have seemed to be focused between Jan 9th and 13th. Although this time around how far they get is not as significant to us since we know we are next.

Once the rumors settle in we usually hear that matching has started and then within a few days to a week that referrals have been mailed. Once they are mailed some agencies can track packages from China and will notify the waiting parents that they are expecting something in the mail. Usually around the same time that referrals arrive, Travel Approvals from the previous batch arrive as well. Agencies don't usually know what they are receiving, they just know that they have a package coming from China. Sometimes waiting parents get really exited that the mail from China is referrals and it turns out to be travel approvals.

Today we heard that Travel Approvals started arriving. Let's hope that referrals are not too far behind.

Almost there

This could finally be the week that we see our daughter's face for the first time. Typing that is kind of odd, scary and exciting all at the same time. We have been telling everyone that this week we will be getting our referral but there is a chance it could be next week as well. In the past year referrals have always started arriving on or before the 6th of the month. So I think most likely they will arrive late this week but I also wouldn't be surprised if we get bumped out to next week. If we don't hear anything about referrals being mailed by mid week then it will probably be next week.

There were some rumors last week that matching had started. That matching process is where they match babies to their parents. So we may actually be matched with our child already. Usually about a week after we hear that matching has started referrals start arriving so that is a good sign that we will probably see them this week. Usually there are rumors that referrals have been mailed the day before they start arriving so we probably get a heads up that they are on the way.

Lots of friends and family have been asking how soon after we get Grace's picture and info will we be updating this site. The way we understand the process to work is referrals usually arrive at our agencies office mid-morning. At that point they call all parents with basic info such as girl or boy, age and province. We plan to update this site with that info as soon as we get it. They then set up an appointment for us to come in that day to get pictures and additional translated information. The appointments are usually in the afternoon so we will probably need to scan and make copies of the pictures and then stop by our families to show them the pics. We will probably be home in the evening and have pictures up on the site then.

In the meantime we will be rereading our Referral and Travel Preparation package and try not to go out of our heads waiting for the call.

More Time

It is kind of cool when you hear a song on the radio and it seems like it is speaking about your situation. They have been playing this song called More Time by NEEDTOBREATHE on the radio lately and I am pretty sure it is not about waiting to travel to China to adopt a baby. But, for us it is. They were actually in Boston Saturday night so we went to see them with our "super cool" college-age niece Lauren. It was nice to feel young again even though we are not college-age anymore. It had been a while since we have been in a rock club. Having Lauren with us made us feel not so out of place. The band was really good and it was fun to see "our" new song performed live. I posted the lyrics and link to the song below.

I promised you the world again

Everything within my hands

All the riches one could dream

They will come from me

I hoped that you could understand

That this is not what I had planned

Please don’t worry now

It will turn around

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

So say what’s on your mind

Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside

I hoped that you could understand

That this is not what I had planned

Please don’t worry now

It will turn around

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

So say what’s on your mind

Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside

So say alright

Cause I know we can make it if we try

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

We’re off to new lands

So hold on to my hands

It’s gonna be alright

It’s a whole lot brighter

So stand by the fire

It’s gonna be alright

Yeah, the road gets harder

But it’s not much farther

It’s gonna be alright

You know that it ain’t easy

Please believe me

It’s gonna be alright

Please don’t worry now

It will turn around

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind

Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside

So say alright

Cause I know we can make it if we try

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

Something to keep us busy during the wait

It was pretty windy here the last couple days. When I got home from work Friday I had a little surprise waiting for me.

The wind had blown down one of the trees in our backyard through our fence and into our neighbor's yard. Luckily it didn't hit anyone. It missed their pool and house as well so the only damage seems to be to our fence. I was a little worried about that tree last year as it appeared to be dying but I really didn't expect it to fall over roots and all. Hopefully we can get the tree guys out sometime this week to clean it up and probably take another couple trees down before they fall as well. Then of course we will have to get our fence replaced. Not really expenses we were expecting right before referral but hopefully our homeowners insurance will pay for some of it. Never a dull moment.

Spring Cleaning

I have decided to streamline our site a little bit. Most of the links on the old website were pretty static so it was kind of getting to be overkill. Most people were just visiting the blog anyway. So I converted all of my content to blog posts and got rid of the website. I have tagged all of the old links so you can still get to them on the right. I apologize to anyone who reads this site with bloglines or a blog reader. You may get a couple hundred new posts for all of the old content I converted.

Re-Re-Fingerprinting

This morning we journeyed down to our local USCIS office to get fingerprinted for the third time. They used to make the process really easy and convenient by allowing you to come in anytime within a two week period. They are a little more strict now and send you an appointment for a specific date and time. It worked out pretty well for us though. Jen took the day off work and I happened to have a client in Boston that needed me to come in for the day. We were in and out of the office pretty quickly, we are old pros at the process by now. We even bumped into a couple Yoshimi and Craig, that we will be traveling with, they were getting their fingerprints redone as well. As I was in the subway heading into the office I was thinking to myself that the next time we ride the subway we will be going to CAWLI to get our referral. It is hard to believe after waiting all this time that in two weeks from now we will be seeing our baby's face for the first time.

The Difference A Day Makes

Back when we were paperchasing we met another paperchasing couple, Wendy and John on the adoption boards. They were at about the same point in the paperchase as we were. I think we compared notes a couple times and have encouraged each other throughout the process. They were DTC a day before we were but ended up getting a Log In Date of December 27th. That one day difference in DTC caused us to get a LID of January 5th, 9 days later. Today, Wendy and John, met their beautiful daughter for the first time. They got their referral in January, their LID just made the cutoff and we missed the cutoff by one day last month. So that one day difference in DTC caused a two month difference in getting our referral.

Sometimes there will be someone on the adoption boards that is starting the paperchase but is procrastinating on getting things done in the process, we usually just cringe. I will admit the paperchase is daunting, there are forms upon forms to fill out, autobiographies to write, things to be notarized, it is pretty overwhelming. But, we were pretty good about the process. We tried to knock one item off the list each day and got through the process in record time. But there were probably areas where we could have done things a little faster.

With the small batches we have been seeing the past couple years it is even more important to not procrastinate in any part of the process. If a one day difference in DTC can cause a 2 month difference in when you get your referral, what will a week or a month of procrastination do?

Half Way There

We are about half way through the longest month ever and it really is dragging. We are really not concerned about the rumors this month since we know we are next. We have been trying to keep ourselves busy with baby proofing projects and we are really getting a lot done, which is good. Jen has been a shopping fool, running all over the place trying to get some of the items we will be needing for the trip to China. There is still quite a bit of stuff that we can't buy yet since we don't know how old she is. We did find this little toy box for our family room.

Hebei

The province featured in our Chinese calendar this month is Hebei. Hebei is located in the northern part of China and completely surrounds Beijing. Hebei has a population of 68,000.000. It doesn't look like there are too many international adoptions from Hebei so we are probably unlikely to travel there. Looks like a beautiful place though.

The Dichotomy of International Adoption

I realize that this post is going to be kind of all over the place and rambling but with the stress of our referral quickly approaching and some of the things I have been reading in the news, on blogs and adoption boards I thought it would be therapeutic to get my thoughts out there. Sometimes it helps me to process my thoughts by writing them down.

For the past few weeks there have been articles in all of the major newspapers about China researching/thinking/talking about ending its One Child Policy. The more recent articles make it seem like the policy will stay intact for at least another ten years. Change happens slow in China so it is possible that we will see an incremental end to the policy over the next few decades. With the spotlight shining on China right now due to the Olympics, they are getting a lot of pressure regarding human rights issues. This may be why they are studying the policy now, to show the world that they are looking again at their controversial policies.

The one child policy was enacted because of China's overpopulation issues. As unthinkable as it may seem to us to have the government tell us how many children we can have, in China the policy has ultimately saved lives. They need to continue to be able to feed their population and with it continuing to grow exponentially it just would not have been possible.

Without the one child policy there would not be as many abandonments in China and there may not be as much of a need for international adoption. I think there still would be a need, just not the level where it is now. There are many countries without population control policies that adopt almost as many children internationally as China does. Even children from the United States are sometimes adopted internationally to Canada and Europe.

Our guilt comes in because the policy that causes families to abandon their babies inadvertently benefits us as adoptive parents. Our joy in adopting a baby will be a result of a huge loss, a family having to abandon their child because the law says they can have only one. Adoption is supposed to be about finding families for children, not finding children to make families. Per the Hague regulations on international adoption, every attempt should be made to place orphans with their extended family. If that is not possible they should be adopted domestically. As a last resort orphans can be adopted internationally. All seem to agree that these are better options than growing up in an orphanage. In order to have a free conscience we as adoptive parents have to assume that the Chinese government is doing all they can to place orphans domestically before internationally and that they are running an ethical, corruption free program. No program is perfect but I do believe the the Chinese government does all it can to keep their program as ethical as possible. If we did not believe this as true we should not be adopting from China.

The dichotomy is we as adoptive parents gain the most, we get a child. The child has lost her birth parents and by adopting her we are taking away her country and her culture. Many adoptive parents will argue that they are giving the baby a better life by taking her out of the orphanage, and giving her more opportunities. I think we do still have to acknowledge that the adoption will affect her someday. Her adoption won't be the root cause of her loss and pain, her abandonment is, but we will have to support her while she deals with any identity issues.

The anti-adoption folks would argue adoption damages a child so rather than adopt we should be providing money to families so that they can raise their children themselves. This argument doesn't really work with China as most babies are abandoned due to the one-child policy. The anti-adoptionist would then say we should put pressure on the Chinese government to end the one child policy. But ending the one child policy would cause the population to explode and many more children would starve and die. There are no easy answers here, if we lived in a perfect world it would all be easy, but we don't.

To be honest we chose to adopt from China primarily for the benefits to us. We wanted a family and the China program seemed like the best option. We didn't adopt domestically because we didn't want to deal with the unknowns and pain of a failed adoption. We chose China because we thought the timeframe was short. Our other reasons for choosing China were the babies are young and relatively healthy. All benefits to us. But ultimately if we do not do what is right for us or something we are not comfortable with that will not ultimately be beneficial for our child. Not all of the reasons were benefits for us though, we also chose China because they run a program that is thought to be less corrupt than other countries. Also because there is a great support network here for children adopted from China.

Since we started the adoption process I have tried to read not only the fluffy, happy adoption blogs but also blogs and writings by adoptees who are not so happy. I am currently reading "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew". The book brings up some pretty difficult subject matter but I think it is important to examine. Always good to take a good look at yourself and ask yourself if you are ready to deal with the questions that will ultimately come up. By doing this we challenge ourselves. If we answer our own questions honestly we will be better prepared someday when we get questions from our daughter.

One of the interesting phenomenons I have been noticing more and more lately is how many adoptive parents' perspective changes once they have completed their adoption from China and don't plan to adopt again. Most waiting parents are pretty careful about what they say that is critical of China. The last thing we want is for some story to pop up and cause the program to slow down even more or shut down completely. We just want our babies home. I think once a family is home though they no longer have this romanticized idea of a child. They have a living breathing baby that will someday have to come to grips with how they came to live in America (or wherever) and it scares them. I think they can then more clearly see the issues that their child will be dealing with. Some become very critical of international adoption and may even take an anti-adoption stance. We waiting parents can't help but feel betrayed by this change of heart. We say "They have their kids, they got what they want, now they don't care about the rest of us". Maybe we, as waiting parents, can't see the forest for the trees. Maybe we close our eyes to any potential red flags or corruption because we don't want to see it. I am interested to see how my thoughts on the matter change once we are home.

I think we are going into this adoption with pretty open minds and as much knowledge as we can get. We have a pretty clear conscience that we are doing the right thing for ourselves but more importantly for Grace. We know things won't be perfect but we will do our best.

Operation Baby Proofing has started....

We have finally started the job of making our house safe for a baby, if only the house was safe for me. I was 5 minutes into my first baby proofing job today and I almost cut two of my fingers off. Let me explain...We have a surround sound home entertainment system in our family room and over the years our old method of keeping the wires in place has started to fail. We have speaker wires hanging down and bunched up on the floor. So out we went to the local home improvement store and spent an ungodly amount of money on these fancy new wire conduits that will keep our wires hidden and save from baby's curious hands.

So this weekend we were finally free and it was time to start putting it all together. They should really tell you in the directions not to try to cut the small pieces of plastic with a compound mitre saw. How was I to know that would be a bad thing to do? I put the piece of plastic in the saw, push the button, pull down on the handle and there is a big bang and my hand goes numb and the thing I was cutting exploded into 100 pieces. I was in a bit of pain and was afraid to look down at my hand for what I would find. Luckily all of my fingers were there, albeit a little bloody and bruised. They are still a little sore but I was actually able to get quite a bit of work done on the job and will probably be able to get it finished in another half day of work. So all in all a pretty productive day.

After the speaker wire job is done we still have a few more things to take care of. We need to figure out how to gate off our wood burning stove. We need to put child locks on all of our cabinets. We also need to install gates at the top and bottom of all our stairs. I think we may wait at least until referral before we start on these things so we can see whether she will be mobile or not. No need to leap over baby gates until we have to.

So we are trying to keep ourselves busy this month with work, projects and getting together with friends so we don't go too crazy with the waiting. One week down, four to go until we see Grace's face for the first time.

And then there was one

Jen took 8 more glass stones out of her jar at work leaving just one left. One lonely stone. We are still trying to wrap our heads around the fact that we are next. We go from excitedly saying "Oh my god, we are going to be parents" to panicking saying "Oh my god, we are going to be parents".

Today is also 26 months since our Log In Date which means when we get our referral we will have waited 27 months. So now we start the longest month of our lives. Well, I guess it will be the longest month until next month when we get our referral and are waiting to travel. Then it will really feel like the longest month(s) of our lives. After that the months will just fly by I am sure.

Comparing The Years - March Edition

Referrals started arriving today confirming that the cutoff is January 4th. That means they referred 8 days, the same amount as last month. Last March was the last month that they referred over 10 days. So for the past year the number of days referred per month has settled in at an average of 6 days. See the chart below for the number of days referred per month back to May 2005.

If we overlay each calendar year in the above chart (see below) the trend for 2008 so far is well below the similar trends for 2006 ands 2007. The scary data point on this chart is April (the next batch). For the last two years the April batch has been significantly smaller than the other months. In April 2006 we saw 5 days referred and in April 2007 we saw 2 days referred. I hate to use this chart to make predictions since we don't know why the April batch had been so small the past two years but if the trend continues we could be in for a smaller batch next month. It could just be a coincidence or maybe there is a valid reason that the April batch has been small. If we do see a significantly smaller batch next month then there has to be something to it, only time will tell. With a LID of 1/5/2006 we are pretty confident that we will be in next month but if our LID were further out I would not be so sure.

Someone asked me last month if I plan to continue updating these charts every month after we get our referral. I do plan on keeping up with them but if we get too busy once we are home with baby I may look to hand them off to another waiting family to update and post. If you are good with numbers and Excel and it is something you might be interested in let me know.

What age will she be?

One of the many things we are anxious to learn about Grace is what age she will be when we get our referral. When we sent in our application we requested an infant girl 6 - 12 months or as young as possible. At the time we applied most babies were under a year old at referral, some as young as 6 months. Recently the babies have seemed to be a bit older at referral. We are told they try to match younger babies with younger couples so we may be more likely to get a younger baby since we are on the younger side. Either way we will be happy though. I thought it would be fun to put up a new poll to see how old you all think Grace will be when we get our referral next month. If you have a specific age you think she will be leave us a comment. The poll is on the right hand side.

On the Bubble

The rumors started flying late this week and it is looking like the cutoff is going to be 1/4. This means we will miss it by one day. There is some speculation that 1/5 could be in as well but the 1/4 rumor seems to be much more believable so we are sticking with that. We kind of always thought we would miss the cutoff by a day for some reason but oddly we aren't upset about it. We have a nice calm feeling right now knowing that we can relax for one more month. We will use the next month to finish up some shopping and baby proofing around the house. The nice thing is that we know that come early April we will be seeing our daughter's for the first time. No more stressing and speculation, it is going to happen!