March Referrals

We got an email from our adoption agency yesterday stating that they received no referrals this month and that the China Center for Adoption Affairs has sent out only five days worth of referrals. They are now up to May 30th. This is a definite slowdown in the amount of referrals sent out this month. When we started the adoption process they were sending referral groups out by the month and the groups have gotten progressively smaller. They are telling us that the wait is now at 11 months. That would give us our referral in December. Seems like every month we take one step forward and one step back. Not really sure of the reason for the slowdown. There are a lot of rumors out there, one being that less babies are being abandoned in China. If this is true then that is great news for China and the babies, but we can't help being a little bit selfish and wish the process would speed up for us. There were rumors earlier in the week that there was going to be a small group of referral this month so we kind of expected it.

You may have noticed that there are some advertisements on some of the pages here. I signed up for google ads, so if you click on the ads we will earn money. Not sure exactly how much money we get but it will probably not be enough to pay for Grace's college education.

Jen also went out this week and bought a new rug for Gracie's room at Pottery Barn Kids. Here are some pictures of the rug and the light that we bought last week.

Attaching in Adoption

Attaching in Adoption

by Deborah D. Gray

One of the big concerns with children adopted from orphanages is proper attachment and bonding. Babies raised in an orphanage will not always have a mother at her beck and call to meet her needs and build a loving, trusting relationship. This book explores the challenges that adoptive parents must work through in order to create that secure bond and attachment with an adopted child. The book explores in detail what attachment is and why it is important. Techniques are provided to help parents facilitate attachment and bonding with an adopted child. The book also covers some scary topics that we hopefully won't encounter such as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Reactive Attachment Disorder. Each topic covered book is interspersed with scenarios to illustrate potential attachment issues and provide suggested solutions. I have heard many adoptive parents say that if you read one book on adoption this should be the one you read.

The Lost Daughters Of China

The Lost Daughters Of China

by Karin Evans

This was one of our favorite books we have read during the adoption process. Another must read for all Chinese adoptive parents. The book is very well written, almost poetic at times. This is one of the more "feel good" books that we read. The author tells her and her husband's story of adopting from China from the paper chase to coming home with her daughter. She intersperses the story with narratives of Chinese history and culture. She also tries to convey within the book what circumstances could lead a mother to abandon her child. This is something hard for us to understand but a reality for many living in China. Since this is one of the first books that we purchased it has been almost 2 years since we read this book. Definitely another book that we will re-read at some point.

A Passage to the Heart - Writings from Families with Children from China

A Passage to the Heart - Writings from Families with Children from China

edited by Amy Katzkin

This book is a series of essays written by members of Families with Children from China. The stories discuss the joys and challenges of adopting a child from China. Sections include the Wait (we could write a whole book on that topic), Settling In, Development, Race and Identity. This book definitely has a more feel-good vibe to it but some of the articles will be a bit of a tear jerker. Definitely another must read for parents adopting from China.

Wanting A Daughter, Needing A Son - Abandonment, Adoption and Orphanage Care in China

Wanting A Daughter, Needing A Son - Abandonment, Adoption and Orphanage Care in China

by Kay Ann Johnson and Amy Klatzkin

This book is a must read for parents adopting a child from China. This is not an easy read, it is really a series of research papers written by a College Professor and an editor of books on Chinese Studies who both also happen to be mothers of girls adopted from China. Since the book is a collection of research papers written over a period of time there is a bit of repetition but you do get a good sense of how adoption in China has changed over the years. But as I mentioned it is a tough read, most of the book has footnotes throughout which you need to flip to the back of the book to read. Much of the research in the book is backed up numbers, charts and statistics so much of it reads like an academic research paper. The book does a great job in explaining the cultural reasons why some baby girls are abandoned and why Chinese families feel that they need a son. The book also explains in depth the One-Child population control policy and how it leads to abandonment. This is definitely a book that I plan to re-read at some point. This is definitely not a fluffy, feel-good adoption book but it does give the reader a better understanding of the reason why we have our daughters.

The Unofficial Guide to Adopting a Child

The Unofficial Guide to Adopting a Child

by Andrea Della Vecchio, MA, M.Ed.

This was the first book that we purchased when we started thinking about adoption. Going into adoption knowing really nothing about it like we did, we really needed a guide to educate us on our options and lead us through the decision process. The book talks about domestic vs. international adoption and discusses the different programs in Asia, Latin America and Eastern Europe. There are sections on home studies, choosing an agency, Non-Traditional Families and many other subjects that adoptive families work through with the adoption process. Through this book and other research we obviously decided to adopt from China so this book served us well as an Intro to Adoption 101.

Why can't we adopt a newborn/infant from China?

Not much new adoption stuff going on lately and I just realized that I haven't posted any updates lately so I will answer another question....

Why can't we adopt a newborn/infant from China?

The youngest babies that we have seen at referral seem to be around 5 to 6 months old. Add two months to that to get our travel approval and the youngest she will be is 7 - 8 months. We are on the young side so I expect that we will be referred a younger baby, although there is no guarantee. We requested a 6 - 12 month old or as young as possible. The reason why we can not get a baby any younger has to do with the process China has to go through to consider the babies abandoned and available for adoption. When a baby is abandoned and taken into an orphanage a finding ad is placed in a local newspaper. This is just a picture and a description of the baby and where she was found. This is so the birthparents can re-claim the baby if they wish to. I doubt that this happens very often though as it is illegal to abandon babies. If the baby is not reclaimed within a certain number of months then the baby is considered abandoned and is available to be adopted. The babies are checked over for health issues and paperwork is processed and by this time the baby is about 5 -6 months old.

Why does it take so long to adopt from China when there are so many babies in orphanages?

We have been getting questions from family and friends lately about the wait time to adopt from China so....

Why does it take so long to adopt from China when there are so many babies in orphanages?

I don't think there is one simple answer to this one but I will try to answer the best I can. When we first started the adoption process we were told that the wait to referral was about 6 - 7 months. This didn't seem that bad to us but we knew going into it that this timeframe could change. As we were progressing through the process we noticed that the wait times were increasing to where they are now at around 9 - 10 months. We realize that this could increase even more but the time frame could get shorter as well. One of the main reasons we have heard is causing the increase in wait times is an increase in the number of dossiers (requests to adopt) that China is getting. The United States adopted almost 8,000 babies from China last year and this number seems to be increasing each year. Along with the United States, Canada, Europe and Australia, etc also are increasing their adoptions from China. China is also in the process of ratifying the Hague Convention of International Adoption Law. The Hague basically puts policies in place to ensure that the international adoptions are serving the needs of the children first. Basically this means that there will be new polices and paperwork that China has to go through in order to be in compliance. We have also read that the China Center for Adoption Affairs is moving (or has moved) to a new building. Hopefully moving forward the wait will stabilize or even decrease, if not maybe Jen and I can fit in one last childless vacation.

LID!!!!

We got some great news today, we have our Log In Date, it is January 5th, 2006!!!!!!! So at this point we are almost 2 months into the wait for a referral. If the wait to referral stays at 9 months we should have just over 7 months to go. Apparently there was some kind of mix up in China with our Log In Date (and about 10 other couples) and they didn't get sent. There were some parents from our agency that were Dossier to China after us and got their referrals earlier this week. So something was definitely awry. Our agency was on the phone with China on Wednesday but China would not give them out log in dates over the phone and said they would fax them out ASAP. We waited patiently through yesterday but still no word. This morning the email came. This is a pretty big milestone in the process because it gives us a definite date to start counting from. When the referrals come out they tell us what Log in Dates that they covered so that way we can tell how fast referrals are coming and how close we are to getting one.

Jamaica

So tough to come home to 15 inches on snow and 25 degrees after sitting on the beach sipping pina coladas, but we are back. Jamaica was great, the resort was beautiful, the people were nice and the weather was perfect. We thought we may have to stay an extra day because of Logan being closed on Sunday but we made it out without much of a delay.
Some pictures of our trip......

Last Childless Vacation

This coming weekend Jen and I are taking our 4th last childless vacation......Let me explain. Three years ago, when we decided we were going to start trying to start a family we decided to take one last vacation. We went to Las Vegas for a week of relaxing, gambling and a little craziness. Then it was on to baby making. Two years and six failed IUIs later we decided that we needed a break before we started the In-Vitro Fertilization process. Our doctor was sure that In-Vitro was going to work for us so we felt pretty confident as well. We decided to take our 2nd last vacation. Off we jetted to Miami and we had a great time relaxing in the sun. After 3 failed In-Vitros we decided that we had enough and after some consideration decided to adopt from China. Soon after this some friends were going to Las Vegas for a joint bachelor/bachelorette party so we decided to go along for our 3rd last vacation. At the time we were thinking that the wait for a referral for Grace was 6 months so we figured we would be traveling to China this summer so this really was going to be our last vacation. Since that time the wait time has increased so it is looking more like we will be traveling to China at the end of this year so we figured we can fit in one last vacation. So, this Friday morning we are flying out and heading to Jamaica for a few nights. We will be staying at the Sunset at the Palms in Negril. The first big trip Jen an I took together 7 years ago was to Jamaica so it will be nice to go back. The place looks pretty cool, all of the rooms are in their own private treehouses so it should be very relaxing and romantic. We will take lots of pictures and will try to post some here when we get back......Ya Mon.

CAWLI Chinese New Year Party

Had a great time yesterday at the CAWLI Chinese New Year party. Pretty overwhelming with the amount of people that were there but all of the children were just adorable. We met quite a few couples that will be in our travel group. They all seemed like great people. We spoke quite a bit with a couple in our travel group that will be traveling back for their second daughter. It was great to talk to someone who has been there/done that. We had quite a few couples that we did not know come up to us and ask if we were waiting to travel. Then proceeded to tell us that last year they were in our situation, and reassured us that the time flies by and before we know it we will be traveling to China to pick up our daughter. After the party we went out to a local mall to run some errands and were truly disappointed when none of the couples there had Chinese babies with them. We looked at everyone's kids expecting to see a cute little Chinese face. Weird how your perspective changes after just a couple of hours.

Meeting Our Travel Group

We have a pretty busy and exciting weekend coming up. We will be attending a Chinese New Year Party on Saturday that is being put on by our adoption agency. We are told that there will be about 1200 people there so we are assuming around 1/3 of them will be babies and children. We are not sure what to expect as we have never attended a Chinese New Year party, but we assume there will be good food and some interesting Chinese cultural entertainment. At the party we will also be meeting 7 or 8 of the couples that we will be traveling to China with. We have been communicating for the past couple months through email and web forums but this will be the first time we will meet in person. Some of them have adopted already and are going back for their second child. These people will be our support group for the next 9 or so months during our wait to travel to China and into the future as our children grow up. We are really looking forward to this experience.

Reading Up

To help pass the time until we get our referral we purchased a couple parenting books. One of the books is called Attaching in Adoption. This is a book that was recommended to us as some children who have been adopted from orphanages have attachment issues. Due to the fact that these children do not have anyone to bond with they sometimes have a difficult time forming attachments with their adoptive parents. From what we have read so far the earlier the child is adopted the easier it is to attach with them. The book will show us what to look for and some strategies to facilitate attachment if we do have issues. One of the attachment parenting strategies requires the parents to be the only ones to hold and care for the baby, for how long we are not sure, haven't gotten to that part of the book yet. This allows the baby to develop trust for the parents and realize that we will always be there for her when she need us and are not going to abandon her. We realize that this will be difficult for us as well as our families and friends but it will be in the best interest of Grace. We also bought Dr. Ferber's book called Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. If you saw the second "Meet the Parents" movie, Robert Deniro says he is 'Ferberizing' his grandson by letting him cry. I think the movie over-simplifies and pokes fun at the methodology but it basically involves teaching the child to put herself to sleep. Many of the strategies in Ferber's book are contrary to attachment parenting strategies but we feel that it is important to learn all we can, take suggestions from all of the books we read and do what is best for Grace. Our adoption agency got a group of referrals today. This is good news as the Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs has sent out two groups of referrals in January. Our agency is still saying that referral wait time is running between 8 and 9 months.

Immunizations

Another small task done in the adoption process today. I went to my doctor's office this morning and started my Hepatitis A and B immunization series. This isn't something we had to do but was suggested by our adoption agency. Jen decided to wait until I got the shots to make sure I didn't have any weird reaction before she started hers. It was the least I could do since she got all the shots during our fertility treatments. Beside a couple sore shoulders I am no worse for wear. I will need to go back in a month to get the second shot in the series and then in another 6 months for the final shot. Still no news on our log in date. There have been all kinds of rumors floating around regarding whether a batch of referral are going to be sent out before Chinese New Year. It seems that the Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs shuts down for a few weeks for Chinese New Year which is January 29th this year. So this means that if referrals are not sent out by then, they will not be out until at least mid-February.

China's Lost Girls

We watched a great DVD lat night called China's Lost Girls. It is a National Geographic special/documentary hosted by Lisa Ling from the View. Lisa travels to China with a group of parents who are adopting little girls. It is very well done and digs in to some of the issues that China is currently facing and will be facing in the coming years due to their population control laws (one-child policy). One of the families is adopting a sister (a mei-mei) for their daughter that they adopted a few years before. The mother travels to the park where her first daughter was found and pins up a poster with her picture and a note that says that she has been adopted and is healthy and happily living in the United States. Oftentimes when a mother abandons her daughter she will stay around the area to make sure that her daughter is found safely. After the poster was pinned up many people gathered around, a young Chinese man who spoke English told the adoptive mother that he felt disgraced by the fact that so many babies are abandoned. He also felt concerned that when she grows up her daughter would not feel any pride for China because they abandoned her. The mother reassured the Chinese man that they were doing all they could to keep close ties between their daughter and her Chinese heritage. It was an interesting dialogue between the two of them and goes to show that the Chinese people feel embarrassed by the effects of the population control policy. Another scene in the movie that stands out was one where the families travel back to the orphanage where the babies lived for the first year of their life. One on the caretakers was crying because the adoptive mother did not take the baby back to the orphanage with her. The mother was concerned that it would be too confusing for the baby. The caretaker was hoping to see the baby one last time before she left to say goodbye. She was very upset but it showed that these babies are taken care of and loved and do form bonds with their caretakers.

Are You Concerned About the Bird /Avian Flu?

Still no new news on our Log In Date, we assume we are already logged in but just haven't been notified yet. Now another one of our Frequently Asked Questions...

Are You Concerned About the Bird /Avian Flu?

The short answer is not really, but I would be lying if I said we weren't thinking about it. When there is a newspaper article about new outbreaks we do read them with interest. Recently we have read that there have been outbreaks of the virus in parts of Europe but they seem to be pretty sporadic and have been contained. From what we understand the Avian flu currently can only be transmitted to humans by handling animals that are infected with the virus. In some parts of China people have chickens running around their yards so it is understandable that the virus is transmitted to them. I recently read an article about some children in Turkey who got the virus because they were playing with dead chicken heads. Not sure why they were playing with chicken heads but we will be sure not to do this when we travel to China. It is supposedly safe to eat chicken as long as it is cooked well so we are not too concerned about getting the virus through eating meals while in China. The big concern is that the virus could mutate into a form that could easily be transmitted through the air from human to human. If this happens there would probably be quarantines and travel bans, similar to the SARS outbreak a few years ago. The other scary point about the avian flu is that it is a much more powerful virus that the regular Influenza virus that go around every winter. The Avian flu seems to affect and sometimes kill people regardless of their age or strength of immune system. Our agency has an update on their website about the Avian flu as well and it says that the Chinese Government is pretty diligent about preventing any outbreaks of the virus. It is mandatory that if a bird is found dead an emergency team arrives in the area and whether the bird died from Avian Flu or not all birds within a ten mile radius are killed. So it is comforting that the Chinese are taking it very seriously. I have noticed that there have been a lot less news reports lately about Avian Flu so maybe the media is getting bored with it. I really think it was something that the media latched onto and blew out of proportion. But we will continue to read all we can about it and hope that it doesn't mutate into a virus that is more easily transmitted.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!!! No new news on the adoption, we did get an email from our agency today. The email confirms that referrals are slowing down into 2006. Not great news but we are glad to be into the new year and moving forward. Our agency did get some referrals today but for families that were logged in back in April 2005. We still do not have our log in date but we are thinking we will get it soon. We bought a digital camera for Christmas and have been have been having fun playing around with it. Here is a pic of some of the gifts we received for Grace for Christmas.

How old will Grace be when she comes home?

Hope everyone had a merry Christmas, we did. We got a few gifts for Grace for Christmas; Jen's parents gave us a cute ladybug outfit and some decorations for the nursery and Jen's brother Stephen and family gave us some stuffed animals and books. Jen cried when she opened the gifts but they were happy tears. Now, back to my promise of answering some of our frequently asked questions.

How old will Grace be when she comes home?

When we sent our application to China we requested a 6-12 month old or as young as possible. The youngest we have seen at referral is 6 months old, and we will be traveling about 2 months after referral so the youngest she would be when we bring her home is 8 months. Since Jen and I are on the young side (China requires that you are at least 30 to adopt) we expect that we will get a child that is younger, but that is not guaranteed. There is a rule we read while researching Chinese adoption that if you are over 45 you will be referred a 18 month - 3 year old. But we have seen that doesn't always hold true, most referrals are under 1 year old. They do try to honor parents requests but I think, in general, it comes down to the ages of babies that are available for adoption at the time.

Merry Christmas

No new adoption news but we have been reflecting back over the past year and are amazed at how far we have come. For us last Christmas was "rough". We had just gone through our first IVF cycle and Jen was on bed-rest so we couldn't visit with our families like we usually do. While Jen and I love being together we missed our routine that we have been going for the past few years. Our families and friends were great though, Kristen and Biren came by on Christmas Eve to hang out for a while and brought us lunch and Jen's parents came by on Christmas and brought us leftovers from their Christmas dinner. So we did get to spend some time with family and friends but there was still something missing. A few weeks later we found out that our first IVF had failed and then the next two failed as well. Through all of this pain we came to the decision that we would adopt from China. Even though this holiday season there is still something missing we know that Gracie is out there and hopefully by next Christmas we will be celebrating with her.